Sunny Sunday - A dash of hope

Another kickoff into Monday's Perk Project! (check out Suzanne Young's blog and Robin Mellom's blog for more perky posts tomorrow!)

Today my thoughts are on healing, hope and thanks.

Even now, at 5:00 am, I am thinking of healing.

As most of you know, I have had vertigo for the last several months. Though I am getting better, I am still not me. But feeling my body heal from whatever caused it is such a relief.

I never thought about my body until these last few months. Except for the time I was Prego. Oh yeah - and then of course - as I have symptoms of the Post-Prego body blues. But I never thought about everything my body did and how much I took it for granted.

We can't trade in our bodies like an old pair of jeans, or a leased car, or a new computer. For us, there is no replacement. We also don't realize that doctors cannot fix everything. They do their best to treat symptoms, but sometimes they never really get to the problem. They can only do so much. I never knew that.

What's worse - is that sometimes they don't have the solution. Or don't know the right one for you.

Sometimes we have to find it ourselves from the inside out. We have to pray. We have to hope for something more. Hope for healing.

Now this post is not even really about me - though I can relate with the feelings of hope and healing.

This post is for my hubby.

20 years old, my husband had a back injury in a rugby game that never really healed. When I first met him 9 years ago, he had back problems but was still able to climb, swim, and fly-fish. He was also in little amounts of pain at times. Chronic pain. Pain that never fully went away.

During the time my daughter was a baby, my hubby's back worsened. I don't know if it was age or if picking up my daughter aggravated the injury. Or if his back just gave up.

Whatever it was , he was hurting. So of course, we all were hurting for him.

About 2 years ago, his back got so bad, he could not feel his left leg anymore. He gave up climbing, he gave up flyfishing. He could not even play with our daughter. The minute he got home, he laid down. At 36, he was unable to do anything he loved. His back "went out" several times, leaving us sad, frustrated and scared. He was in and out of Emory's Spinal Clinic and after many consultations and MRIs, he was told his only option was a spinal fusion which is only about 60-70% effective. Yes, it shocked me too. Some people actually go through the surgery and still are not better. Still are not healed.

My hubby didn't think the spinal fusion was the right answer for him. Even though it MIGHT work, he wanted something more and he deserved it. So he made a choice to continue suffering. For another 6 months he suffered. He tried not to complain, but I could see it in his face at times. he tried to help around the house, but it was hard for him. he tried to participate in activities, but it always hurt. He became a master at living with pain. He started researching online and applied to FDA studies but with no assurance of lessened pain. Then, one day, he found a surgery in Germany with a 95% effective rate. He sent his films over and he was approved as a "double-disk replacement" candidate. (Yes he speaks German :)

Great right?

Wrong. The surgery cost $50,000 and of course, our insurance would not cover it. Even though it was cheaper than a spinal fusion. ( my issues with the monetary goals of our health care system are a whole other blog)

Well obviously, we didn't have that spare change lying around so he opted to wait, hoping the FDA would approve something more, something better. So he waited some more.

And of course, his pain got even worse.

Until one day, I walked in and found him broken down, crying. Something I'd never seen before, He was in so much pain and at the end of his rope.

It broke my heart.

To make a long story short, we cashed in our investments and booked him into the program immediately. It was scheduled within just a few weeks. Our thought?What good is money down the road if you are incapacitated? All you need is love and health. Unfortunately at the time, my son was barely 6 months old and was also having a hard health time in addition to some childcare logistical issues.

Because the process was 6 weeks.

So at the last minute, we made a decision for me to stay here with the kids and have his mother fly from Wales to b with him.

For 6 long weeks.

And we all suffered.

I had to be here alone, taking care of 2 kids, one who was very sick. Most importantly, I could not be with and support my hubby during his scary, yet exciting/hopeful time.

My daughter had to be without her daddy.

But of course, my hubby had it worse. He had to go through this life-changing event without me, without his family by his side. He had to endure major back surgery where they went in through his abdomen, sever muscles, stretch his spine, remove two disks, and insert prosthetic ones. (he came about 2 inches taller!)

The process and the recovery has been a long one.

But today, it all paid off.

Because my hubby got up at 5am to run in his first marathon. 15 miles. Painfree.

So today I am so thankful.

Thankful we had the financial means - though we are still recovering today - to give my hubby his life back, to give our kids their dad, and to give him his passions back. Thankful to all the doctors who took care of him and gave him hope. Thankful to our friends & families in supporting us during the difficult time. Thankful to our kids for being patient and without their dad for that long. Thankful to his work for giving him the leave time and reassurance his job would be here when he got back. Thankful to all medical miracles that went in to creating this option for him to be whole again.

Most importantly, I am thankful that my hubby fought to get his life back. The life he deserves. The life he dreamed of. Thankful he pushed through the impossibly times and stayed hopeful.

He never gave up. But more importantly, he never gave in.

He persevered.

And I love him even more for it.

So here's to healing yourself, staying hopeful, and giving thanks for what you have.

Because it is all so precious and fragile.

Now I'm a heart beat away from crazy!

Quick Update: (bear with me this week - I'm not really in the mood to blog about marketing.)

Went in for my MRI this morning. The thing worked! Thank goodness. And only 45 min - I thought it would be longer. I did replot my book (for revisions) all in my head so at least I got somethig done. Right?

Good news: MRi was normal. Brain and ears are normal. Except maybe I am a bit crazy. who knows.

Weird news: They found out I am having hypo-tension. When I stand up, my blood pressure is dropping. I am at 120/70 until I stand up - then I am about 100/50.

Why my Dr or ENT ever thought to take my blood pressure when I was sitting vs when I was standing is beyond me. Especially seeing as I told them i get dizzy more when I am standing vs sitting.

Diagnosis? They do not think it is my ear and probably ever was my ear? Who knows if it was or not. All I know is I am frustrated with the medical systems and doctors I have been seeing.

Now? I have I have been recommended to see a cardiologist. So here is my journey:

General practitioner
ENT
Ear Therapist
Neurologist
Now - on to the Cardiologist

My goal? To see every "ologist" there is and maybe even write a book about them?

What do you think? I'm thinking big seller?

This is all very frustrating.

Tomorrow I will give the stats on the contest and throw in some marketing tips. We'll be back to your regularly scheduled blogs starting Monday :)

Thanks for reading my digressions.

Fun things to do with MRI scans of your brain:

• search through them with a 5 year old, looking for funny faces
• compare them to science pictures and guess the different parts of your head
• laugh at your bulging eyeballs
• cut them up and tape them onto sticks for a Play about Brains
• trace them on paper and color them

Fun Fun!

Just think what we can do with the heart scans!

If you think of any others, let me know.

MY GA is smokin' somethin'!

Hey everyone

Just wanted you to know that my MRI was rescheduled for tomorrow. UGH!

I got all the way out there this morning and even climbed into the stupid thing.

Believe it or not - the dang thing broke 5 minutes later!

Evidently it happens ONCE A YEAR? Is someone playing a joke on me?

I really think my GA (Guardian Angel) is smokin' something. Maybe it is the almighty Gabrielle (then I could call him my GAG - that would be fitting huh?)

My hubby groaned when I told him. Because as some of you know, I have some weird ongoing battle with anything electronic - especially right now? And guess what? I think Mercury is in retrograde or is it Venus- AHHHH!

Anyway - even though it stinks I have to go back again and wait another day, I actually laughed. It is just like my GAG to pull something like this. He thinks he is soooooooo funny.

All I can say is: hardy har har to you!

I am definitely bummed b/c I want this thing to be over and done with - but what are you gonna do. It wasn't the poor technician's fault. He said to me - "Keep in mind it is man-made."

Well - isn't that just always the problem? Men? Ha! Maybe if woman made things we would be better off? (Just kidding guys!)

Anyway, I don't have time to do a real post today b/c I gotta get my kids, but Ill post tomorrow afternoon.

Thanks for all the well wishes! You guys are awesome!

Oh - and GA? Thanks for keeping me on my toes!

Just remember, payback is a B#$%2! ;)

PS Doesn't everyone's GA loo like this? Too bad for you :)

Am I a Head Case?

Marketing Muse
Don't get stressed out about marketing. It's not worth it. It should just be something fun you do to get ready for the day that your book is picked up and put on the shelf. Have fun with it!


I am a Head Case!

I've thought long and hard, wondering if I should post this post. It seems a bit depressing for my taste, but I think I need to post it for me.

As some of you know, I have been having chronic vertigo for the last several months (4 to be exact). I had a slight inner ear infection last Oct/Nov. After that, my head hasn't quite been the same. To sum it up - I feel like I'm trying to walk on a rocking boat. And I feel that way often.

How does it feel? Go spin in a circle 5 times fast and try to walk. That's me. I have had weeks where I felt great and then all of a sudden a wave will hit me and I'll be down for the count for a couple days.

To be honest, as positive as I have tried to be, it's been a very scary and frustrating time. The fear comes in more around my kids than anything. For those who have kids, you will totally get this. I get panicky at the thought of not being here for them. Not that I am going anywhere, but this illness has brought up a "possibility" that I'd never really thought about before. And if I think about it too long - which i try not to do - I realize if anything were to happen to me - my kids - at their ages (5 and 20 months) - would not remember me. :(

Now I don't want you to worry because in Jan, I was officially diagnosed with a vestibular disorder and started therapy. Did you know that vertigo is the 2nd most common complaint to back pain? I blogged about it here (off my rocker post). Since the therapy, I've had longer periods of time where I feel better. I would say, I at about 80-20. Whereas before I was 20/80. So the improvement is a positive sign. I just am not totally "me" yet. especially with my kids, my patience is thin and Im not as fun.

But last week, I finally succumbed to the idea of having the MRI and it is scheduled for tomorrow. Just to double check my ears and head, to be sure everything is ok and all is where it is supposed to be. I wonder if you really can "lose your mind".

Now I know the chance of me having brain cancer or some kind of brain tumor is very slim (like under 5% at my age - don't think I did not look! twice!).

But I am still very scared about tomorrow.

• What will they find?
• What is an MRI like?
• What if something is really wrong with me?
• What if nothing is wrong with me? Then, where do I go from here?
• Will I always feel this way ?
• Will I ever remember what it is like to feel normal again?

My hubby said I was up all night, yelling in my sleep. I remember having bad dream, dreams of being chased. But this was also after I found out a blogger buddy of mine had been diagnosed with cancer so I think it was all mixed inside. The fear is real.

I am trying so hard to be positive and just focus on being healthy and being positive. I am excited to finally be reassured that NOTHING is seriously wrong with me. And come up with a therapy plan to continue until this annoying vertigo thing is gone. And I know my life could be worse and that I am so lucky in everything I have.

Blah Blah Blah .....

But when I hear of other cancer stories of young ladies in their 30s, I have admit, the thought bursts into my mind.

And do you know what I realize immediately?

What is really important.

My kids. My family. My friends. My health.

All of this publishing stuff and writing stuff and marketing stuff and bailout stuff is NOT important. It is not worth stressing over. Because as long as I have my health and am with my family who is also safe and healthy, I am exactly where I want to be.

All this other stuff is extra. Like whipped cream on your ice cream. Not essential but adds a little somethin' somethin! But it is not critical to my happiness.

It is the time I am here with my kids and my hubby and my family and my friends that is most important. And it is what I do FOR OTHERS - what I give back - with the time I have here on this earth that truley defines me.

I know that I am probably fine. That I am being neurotic and probably subconsciously figuring out how to use these emotions in a story of mine.

But after the last 4 months, after feeling so bad so often....the emotionaly side kicks in.

I am scared.

So, I could use some extra good thoughts tonight. Positive Ones.

And you? Go hug your kids, significant others, family, and friends.

Go outside and take a deep breath.

And, love/take care of that body of yours because it is the only one you have. We take our bodies for granted.

Our life is precious.

Oh yeah, don't forget to hug yourself.

You deserve it.

(PS Send an extra thought to blogger buddy Bridget Zinn.)

(PSS Right when Ifinished this, an advertising email popped up in my box that said, "Imagine your fear away." Crazy right? So that is what I am off to do. Thanks for the sounding board! ;)

Wierd Wed - I've lost my marbles & I'm off my rocker?

Marketing: The Five senses

1. Hear - Use podcasts, book trailers, songs on your web sites, playlists


2. Sight - use appealing colors, brand your materials, be visible, use different channels


3. Touch - high quality products, professional papers, give them something to take away


4. Taste - Offer chocolate at signings, etc. (Don't scoff - people always go for this one)


5. Smell - Ok so 4 out of 5 ain't bad. :) Unless you can offer some type of scratch and sniff or aromatic candle.

I've lost my marbles & I'm off my rocker?
For those of you - in addition to my hubby - who have suffered through my complains of a long-standing ear infection.

This blog's is for you. But before you exit out of the blog assuming it is boring - trust me this is interesting.

And just think, today - you'll be able to say "learn something new every day".

Diagnosis.
After months of ear infections and dizziness/vertigo, I finally went to see an ENT.

Evidently I have a vestibular disorder (which never sounds good) which means my vestibular system is lazy/weak. (which also doesn't sound good)

BTW - try saying vestibular disorder 5 x.

WTF is a vestibular disorder you say?

Let me clear it up for you.

It's when calcium particles called otoliths (or otoconia) become inappropriately displaced into the semicircular canals of the labyrinth of the inner ear causing dizziness, vertigo, and insanity.

Still confused? Me too.

Maybe this will help.

The otoliths become displaced by AGING, (check! how depressing) infection (check), head trauma (from slamming my head against the wall) or labyrinthine disease (3 for 4 ain't bad). and then become free-floating within the inner ear.

Changing the position of the head causes the otoliths to move, which in turn causes the endolymph to stimulate the hair cells (Don't ask) , causing vertigo.

Any movement which involves changing the position of the head including getting out of bed or rolling can aggravate this condition. (Which means EVERYTHING! Think how much you move your head!)

Say what? Translation please ?
I just think it is a nice way of saying I have lost my marbles or am off my rocker. Also means I feel drunk all the time. Now, if it was just for a day, I'd get you to give me a woot woot! But this is most of the time, I'm now over it and long from craving my favorite dirty martinis.

So what now?
That's right physical therapy. (you mean there are no drugs?)

So for 200$ a pop! - I have to go through tilting exercises to shift the otoconia back into position.

You know those little games you play where you try to get the little annoying rolling ball back in the little tiny hole by tilting it (throwing it/stomping on it/beating it/breaking it) around.

That's it.

BTW - I hated those! Now I live as one - I realize it's a skill I should have mastered. Ironic huh?

It also means, I have to write post this while hanging upside. (No, just kidding :)

What has this taught me?
It is amazing how connected everything is in our body. Our ears connect to our stomach, eyes and ankles (again don't ask). The messages from the vestibular systems feed by vestibular nerves into the vestibular centers (nuclei) in the brainstem. These centers also receive input from the eyes, muscles, spinal cord, and joints.

I also take my body for granted.

Did you know?

• Your ear is (somehow) connected to your eyes and stomach. That's why when you have an ear infection you see weird spots and get nauseated easily.


• The smallest is the stirrup bone in the ear which can measure 1/10 of an inch.


• The antennae of the Butterfly are supposed to act as hearing organs.


• Clams hear with their feet.


• Bees do not have ears.


• Some scientist believe human ears evolved from fish gills.


• Mammals are the only animals with external ears (flaps on the outside).


• A giraffe can clean its ears with its 50cm (20 in) tongue.

So what does this mean?

• I'm fine. I will get better.


• Things could be much worse.


• And I've stopped drinking.


• I don't have to work out.


• If I get pulled over and suspicious of a DUI - I will fail the walk in a straight line test.


• I have a reason to ignore my hubby:) Though miraculously, I can still hear my kids fighting (yes they do that even at 5 and 18months ugh)


• I cannot be a type-rope walker.


• Dancing is out of the question.

But you know what - if I lay down with my head at a 33.33% angle - I can still write - so things could be worse! Right?

Looking deeper

For those who know me, you could probably guess that this amount of information is not enough for me. I - of course - always look for a deeper meaning and universal sign from the Big Boss. I believe our bodies talk to us and give us messages especially when things are out of balance. (No pun intended!)

So it makes sense because I am in my head waaaaay too much.

So I found this online: Those who have sensitive inner ears (Wait, does that mean lazy?) , have an interior perception of truth as if it were told to them; and they speak and write it obediently, delighting in it, and perceiving that it is true because it agrees with their interior life.

Learn something new everyday. Just think - I may have raised your IQ a couple points.

Thanks for listening! (Pun intended!)