My "crappy" weekend

here's my weekend in a nutshell:

• Washer backs up and floods garage
• Call AHS who calls plumber
• Plumber comes to fix
• Instead of fixing, he blocks whole house water line
• Oh no! Plumbing bursts, toilet overflows
• Sewage in bathtubs and showers (disgusting!)
• "Oops" says plumber, "can't fix til next wed" (Oops? come again? 6 days without a toilet?? Call me regular!)
• Home warranty won't pay (of course they won't!)
• Plumber says we have roots in pipes along with some serious backage. (uh yeah, thanks for clearing THAT up for me b/c I was wondering)
• Estimates 3,000$ (no problem b/c we have that kind of $ just lying around)
• No running water (shower, toilet, washer etc)
• Did I mention nasty "shit" tubs??
• Stay with friend (bless her heart for politely offering because we jumped on it). Nice house, big enough for all of us. And she has stairs (like I can't handle some of those?? Trust me I will tie this plot point into the story in just a second.)
• Get up early to meet a different plumber at house at 6 am (PS we love Roto Rooter!)
• Wake 5 year old up - but alas he will not wake from the land of wonder
• Carry son down flight of stairs (hey - Ive been working out to Jillian Michaels 30 day challenge for 5 days now. cant be that hard, right? WRONG!.)
• Trip on steps (because hey - they should not be there - right?) and fall down a flight of stairs
• Poor boy slams head on chair - I'm now convinced his brain is bleeding and he has a brain injury.
• In trying to stop him from getting more hurt, I sacrifice my left hand to break the fall.
• Husband rushes to son's side - "WT hell Shelli! Sounds like an elephant coming down stairs." - except he says it with English accent so it sounds much more polite. (Me - Gee sorry! so I'm up a few pounds - sew me!)
• Daughter looks horrified 
• I follow her gaze and notice my left hand. (enter 'first sadistic thought that popped into my head' here - "thank goodness its not my typing hand!" ;)
• Fingers pointing in directions they should not be pointing.
• To prevent her from entering therapy at age 9, I quickly pop them all back in myself (we'll do anything for our kids) and say, "Everything is fine. Everyone is okay."
• Seconds later, I drop to floor sweating and wailing: "I think I'm going to be sick. I'm going to pass out. Does son have brain injury? Wait, I think I broke my hand!"
• Hubby's loving response: "He's fine. The plumber's coming in 10 minutes."
• So I'm faced with a choice - deal with shit toilets or go to emergency room for broken hand????
• We go home and wait for plumber.
• Decide to keep both kids home for "post traumatic stress disorder"
• 3 hours later we finally go to urgent care
• No broken bones but 2 dislocated fingers (could have told you that 3 hours ago!)
• Must wear splint - can't write :(
• come home to front yard dug out. 
• Pay plumber 2500 - only to hear him say "other guy was wrong. there are no roots in pipes just a blockage" (WTF!) 
• wasted 2,500??
• Call home warranty and threaten lives
• Stubborn blockage remains - what the hell is in there a dead body? (run inside to take notes on writing new book with a dead body in pipes)
• Still "no toilet until Monday"
• Weight options? hotel, stay with friends, face dangerous tripping stairs, stay with parents...?? Oh God.
• Never mind - we order port o potty
• Hubby wants 50$/week portopotty (no way, that's for cavemen! we are civilized people)
• I get the Cadillac of all port-o-potties (call me spoiled!) for 150$ a week (total now: 3000$ plus 150) What a bargain!
• We get a VIP with flushable toilet and sink, running water, light, key/padlock to prevent any unnecessary break ins (hey you never know) and the ever so needed accessory so you can witness yourself in a port o potty - a nice little mirror. :) (moving on up and living in style!)
• port o potty delivered Friday night right around the time everyone comes home from work and people start jogging.
• Let's hide it in side yard - I mean we can at least be discreet in our nice neighborhood of 2.5 kids 
• Can't get it up driveway (of course they cant!)
• Must sit it directly next to---- (wait for it)--- the mailbox on street (talk about going postal?)
• Family forced to endure total humiliation by trekking out to mailbox to do business
• People jogging by (me waving with toilet paper in hand Top of the morning to you!) (but trust me - I had urge to grunt when people walked by just to get a laugh! :)
• Needless to say the dog walkers probably got TMI.
• 9 year old comes in (after "doing #3" she says) and yells, "THAT was NOT fun!"
• Brother calls - Im coming into town.
• hour later. A Guest arrive. "Welcome to our Happy Can!"
• Plumbing finally fixed sat night.
• Sat night prayer - "thank you lord for modern plumbing!"
• Sunday - goes to use bathroom. Our toilet not working. (I swear Im not lying)
• Hubby goes to store and buys cheapest toilet for 88$. (wait what? the port o potty was better than this!)
• "Why did you buy plastic toddler toilet?" His response - "Because it was cheap."
• I return to Lowes and buy regular toilet for hubby to reinstall. Sue me for wanting a nice toilet! 
• Week dishes backed up. Run dishwasher.
• Week of laundry backed up - Load clothes washer and...wait for it.
• Clothes washer broken!!!!!!!!!!!! Doesn't work. Are you freakin' kidding me?
• Call AHS who calls plumber to come out.
• Yes, everything in life somehow comes in full circle.

Good times :)