3 S.R. Johannes: To my computer - may you rest in cyber-hell!

Friday, February 20, 2009

To my computer - may you rest in cyber-hell!

Marketing Muse: You won't get a following without following up!

If you decide to do a mailing to librarians or bookstores or schools, BE SURE you follow up about a week after you mail it. Many people may think it is junk mail. Authors make the mistake of waiting for people to contact them. You need to be proactive. It takes 5 times making contact before you can get in the door - remember that. Follow up! Mailing, email, phone call.

Dearest Computer

It is time we say goodbye.

You have given me nothing but trouble since the day I got you. Although I do want you to know it was not exactly your fault. After all, I was the royal fool who bought you during a Mercury retrograde - something a Virgo should NEVER do and something I will never do again.

Because of that mistake, I have tried so hard to compromise b/c I felt responsible for your psycho ways. I feel I have tried my best to nurse you back to health, only to watch you wither away. I have tried to believe in you and your ability. I have even held others (ie HUBBY) at bay even though they wanted to toss you to the cyber-wolves. Why? Because we started this journey of writing together and I wanted to have you with me when we made it all the way. Even if I had to drag/throw/beat/push you with me. And though your chronic illness was frustrating, I know you tried your best in the midst of universal and planetary conflicts.

We started this journey together about 6 years ago. Since then, you have allowed me to cry on you, eat on you, spill drinks on you, beat you, drop you, sit on you, and unknowingly infest you with nasty viruses. And you never complained... at least not openly. I know now that you have been working in apassive/aggressive nature to seek your silent revenge.

We have definitely had our shares of ups and downs. We have written 2 1/2 novels together and a several picture books. We have received our shares of rejections over the years. We have traveled the world together. You were even in the hospital with me when I had my two babies, and generously allowed me to see those family members overseas. But please remember, you have been in the hospital on many occassions and when I could have thrown in the towel and was told to put you down out of mercy to your cybersoul, I spent money to revive you and successfully bring you back from the cyber-beyond.

I guess you finally saw the light.

But now as your angry black screen stares back at me with a fatal system error, I cant help but be majorly peeved that we ended on such a bad note. If you had just given me the chance to back up my newest chapter (which was Newberry-worthy if I do say so myself), I could have sent you into the cyber-beyond with nothing but peace and love. We could have parted knowing we silently loved each other even though our relationship was a rocky blend of love and hate.

Now I am left bitter and frustrating, mulling over all the times you have done nothing but irritate me and hold me back from surfing faster, typing better, and progressing further.

You have abandoned me when I needed you most. I have major rewrites for an agent, I had a fab chapter for my new book all done. Now I have no form of cyber-communication except my 10 year old PC (who I named Munster) that surfs the net at a mere page every 15 minutes, who is not compatible with a mouse leaving me with a little ball to annoyingly maneuver, and that reminds every moment of the ancient processor threatening to croak.

In addition, you have also left me with a moral dilemma.

You see, I promised myself I would NOT spend any more money (especially on a computer) until I got an agent for my book. Though you and I both know, as much as I have argued with your wacky ways, I needed you and without you, I am lost.

So today I am saddened that we did not finish this journey together. Mano-a-mano.

Therefore, though you got on my last cyber-nerve, I will miss the feel of your keys, your cheery pink cover, and the perfectly organized desktop we worked on together over the years. I will miss my folder heirarchy and my favorite web sites stored.

I admit I will not miss the crazy noises, the blue and black screens, how your letter S and A - for some reason - needed to be pounded instead of tapped just to get a letter. I will not miss your blatant insubordination nor the multiple, spontaneous vacations/smoke breaks you took whenever you pleased. I will not miss the permanently smudged screen from children poking you and I will not miss your multiple personalities.

However, in your last moments as you leave this earth, I do want to apologize for beating on you as I have because I now realized violence is never the answer.

So good luck to you and may you rest in cyber-hell.


Heidi Willis said...

While the implications of this post are horrifying (lost Newberry winning chapters????? Oh no!!), this is the most hilarious post I have read in a long time!

Such a great tribute you have. I have spent more time with my laptop than with my husband, and it probably has just as many quirks, so I identify with you whole heartedly.

You do know, though, that it could never end well, right? Our relationships with computers can only end badly. That is why they end. Otherwise, we'd keep 'em around. For sentimental reasons, you know?

Sherrie Petersen said...

You are hilarious!

I can feel the accusatory eyes of my old laptop boring into me from the shelf across the room. Even though it doesn't really work anymore I haven't gotten rid of it. Sentimentality? Insanity? It was my favorite computer until it freaked out. *sigh* I guess I keep hoping the computer faries will come one night and make it work again? Who knows...

Kelly H-Y said...

Ohhh, the dreaded fatal system error ... ouch! I am so sorry. But, on the flip side ... what a great post! Very clever to write a letter to your trader computer! :-)

Unknown said...

My monitor is from the first computer I've ever bought. It's huge, with Sailor Moon stickers covering it. And I can't imagine writing a book without it!!

(The computer, however, gets changed out frequently...)

Dorothy said...

I sure feel for you. Been there.

Carrie Harris said...

Perhaps you should burn that laptop in effigy? Although the smell of burning plastic is decidedly nasty, so maybe just think about it. Really hard.

Unknown said...

"Chronic illness"... love it.

When to Best Buy today. I feel your pain. $629 was the best I could see out there for 4 RAM. Does that even make sense? Guy told me for writing I need at least 3. Purchasing this weekend probably.

Anonymous said...

I would love a new computer too. But, the idea of shopping for one and setting it up....aaaghhhh! Love the line, "may you rest in cyber-hell."