Goodbye my friend

I am suddenly faced with losing a friend.

It is a very sad day and my heart aches.

I have never really had a friend move so far away before. Mostly, the people that have left have moved to South Carolina, Florida, another part of Georgia or New York. This side of the nation.

One of my best friends came to me the other day and said the words I told myself she would not say: "We're moving to Denver."

GULP..."When", I respond.

"In 2 weeks."

I have cried ever since. Anytime I hear her voice, look at a picture, or think about us drifting apart, I crumble.

BOOM! My life has changed and my friendship is changing - and I am left struggling to find the good in it. I have spent the last couple of weeks thinking about "The Secret" and hearing how you should be grateful for all your experiences and pain because you never know what it can bring. I guess I always thought of it as letting go and appreciating the bad or toxic things in your life because they are there to teach you something. Bad jobs, toxic relationships or negative people.

But I never thought of that applying to loosing the good things?

If something is good in your life...truly good and healthy... like a solid long-standing friendship that you adore and depend on for some sanity. Then, why do those things have to change? What does that teach me? Does it make a space for someone new?

Well - I don't want anyone new.

No one new can take the place of 20 years.

I just want my best friend here with me. A friend who has shared all my pain, joy tears and laughs since I graduated from high school. A friend who had her first baby one day before I had mine. A friend who is listed in our will as partly responsible for my daughter. A friend who shares my love of reading and writing. A friend unlike no other and irreplaceable. A friend that I want to to laugh with and love and be there for the little things that others don't get to see or that go unnoticed.

Now, we won't be there for those things. I won't be able to run over and cry on her shoulder when I need to. I won't be able to watch my daughter and her son grown up together.

My whole family looses the most special family that we spend our time and weekends with. Our extended family - one of my daughter's emergency contacts.

After 20 years, my best friend that is moving across the United States.

Just like that, in only 2 weeks, we move from seeing each other once a week to once a year? I just can't fathom that.

I feel a HUGE sense of loss. My other friends are encouraging me to try and hide my feelings and be happy for her. I am trying so hard to do that. I know her husband is happy and I love that. I know she is happy to be moving back to Denver to be with another close friend she grew up with. I know she is happy for her family.

But - I don't know how to find happiness in this situation for me. I know it is not all about me. I am just left with an empty space in my heart that I don't feel can ever be filled.

I don't know how to be happy for her. I don't know how to feel grateful knowing a friendship is changing dramatically. A friendship I loved just the way it was.

A friendship that will never be the same.

My Secret is Out

They always say if you hear something more than 3 times, it's a sign. Now I realize, maybe it's just a secret waiting to be uncovered.

About 3 months ago, my best friend mentioned a movie called "The Secret" and sent me a free link to watch. I started it but never finished (which describes half of my life). At Christmas, a different friend mentioned "The Secret" to me again.

For some reason, I still chose to keep the information stored back in the part of the brain that I rarely use. Don't get me wrong - the movie sounded great and the "secret" sounded appealing...it just takes a few times to make it past my ADHD filter before my brain can process it appropriately.

Finally last week, I watched Oprah and her show was titled "The Secret". Three times a charm!

The concept is interesting and now provides a new challenge (and you know how I love a challenge) to those of us who may just be "naturally-born pessimists". I mean people in my family says I am anal and uptight and negative. I don't feel like I am those things but maybe your family just tells you the hard-cold truth. I admit sometimes I do see the down-side first, but sometimes I think it's more because I find the crappy things in life more humorous than the good.

And I love a good laugh.

So I have a question - now that I know the secret - can I still bitch about things? Can I walk around the house and have worldly arguments with myself? Can I still create humor in my life by ranting and raving about life's obscurities? I mean - those things can be fun and sometimes even just plain funny. But if I do them - am I just pulling back in negative energy even if my intention is to process them fully and create some humor?

As I pondered the question of my new found energetic power, I began putting together a poster board outlining my future. I flipped through magazines and stared at pictures waiting for an inspiration picture to grab me. I cut out words to make my own odd sentences and began collaging my ideal life. Looking at my life's collage, I felt it. A power I have not taken time to tap into before. But a power I have always known I had.

I have the power to make things happen. I can be who I want to be, I can do what I want to do, and I can go wherever I want to go. I can be grateful for all experiences, learn from them, and put them behind me. Sometimes I feel bad saying or asking for what I want in life because then I get labeled selfish. But I deserve those things (not material things) and I work hard everyday to get them. I work hard to ignore the people who tell me that I can't do something because they live in fear.

I can be my best self. So my destiny? I make it on my own (of course it helps to have a little guidance from something above I still can't label).

Today, I woke up at 5:00 am with a new outlook.(for those of you who know me - I am sure your mouth has dropped open since everyone knows how much I love my sleep).

I love who I am and what I have done. I have so much more to do in this life. I don't know my true calling yet but I can make it myself. I almost wish there were more hours in the day so I could start my journey towards being me. I went to work and started to write. As the words flowed from me - I dreamed of bestselling my books on Oprah, of living in a beautiful cottage by the sea or in the mountains, and of a life of true bliss where I can really make a difference - even if it is just to one person.

I realized I am not any of those things that my family thinks I am. (I think families tend to bring out things in you that normally don't play out in your everyday life especially when you have felt unheard, unimportant, and unworthy from being criticized your whole life for anything you do.)

I am not negative, bitchy, or anal. I am positive and funny and sarcastic and intelligent. I am creative and good and honest. I like to help others and would die for a friend.

I admit I can be very driven and I extremely acheivement-motivated. And sometimes I just like to bitch out loud (or what I call externally processing.) to the walls about life.

But no matter those flaw...now my secret is out too.

I am working on being my best me!

Life's Connections

I truly believe everything is connected in some way throughout the universe. My husband used to send me emails titled "Love Connections" when we were dating and I loved them so much. Not only did I learn little facts but they were sweet and reminded me of the little things that keeps us all connected. I watched a tiny hummingbird today for a long time out my window and it reminded me of these sweet Connection pieces. Today, I thought I would try one...

In the morning light, I watched a beautiful hummingbird. A hummingbird's wings beat up to 75 times per second. A blue-throated Hummingbird can have a heart rate of 1,260 beats per minute. United States consumers buy more blue topaz gemstones than any other nation on earth. The word "topaz" comes from the Sanskrit tapas, meaning "fire." In 2002, forest fires burned a total of 6.17 million acres of forestland and wildlife habitat. The "Wildlife Warrior Foundation" estimates that a half million dollars was donated in the first week after Steve Irwin's death. Steve Irwin was tragically killed by a bull stingray off the Barrier Reef. A stingray never actually sees the food as it eats, since its eyes are on top of its head and its mouth is on the bottom. A butterfly has 12,000 eyes and no lungs, breathing through its abdomen. The Queen Alexandra's bird wing is the largest butterfly with a wingspan of 11 inches! Most hummingbirds are between 4-8 inches and weigh less than a penny.

We are all connected, why can't we act that way?

What is really important...

Today, as I read the NY Times - about Darfur's genocide, Sept 11th's anniversary, the ongoing tragedy of the crocodile Hunter's freak death- I am quickly reminded of the things in my life that are really important.

The unfortunate thing of living in the U.S. is that we - more than most nations- are very priviledged which means we are not faced very often with the question of "what is really important?". We do not have to deal with terrorism every morning on our way to the grocery store or work, we do not have to deal with malaria contributing to our genocide, and we do not have to deal with watching millions of children die every day from aids.

Yes we have some horrible situations here- crime, the homeless, our orphans, the aftermath of Katrina. But as I watch TV and read the paper - I am struck at how selfish and oblivious we have become as a nation and as Americans. Our big controversies in the news right now are either around the new 9/11 TV Show, Lindsey Lohan's missing purse, Mel Gibson's DUI, or the idiotic debate on whether the Crocodile Hunter is really a "biologist" or not.

Who really gives a crap about that stuff?

Is that really where our focus needs to be?

Is that all we have to focus on?

When tragedies happen either in our local neighborhood or in a nation where millions of people are dying, I am reminded that the first thing I immediately think about...when I read those stories...are my family and friends.

I thank a higher power everyday for everything I have.

I have a beautiful daughter who every day reminds me of the small miracles I normally miss in the hustle bustle of life - an ant, a mushroom, or just skipping down a path.

I have a wonderful husband - who despite getting on my nerves or pissing me off (sorry honey ;)- I love more than life. A man who is gentle, kind, funny, dependable, handsome, and thoughtful. A man who - most importantly - loves me unconditionally whether I am fat, skinny, mopey, happy or even just plain bitchy. He is my safe place to fall.

I have a beautiful family. Not a big one in quantity but a massive one in quality. A brother who I adore. I sister (in-law and in heart) that I cherish. A niece who makes me laugh. And a mother and father who love me and who I know would die for me to be happy.

I have the most beautiful intelligent friends who make me laugh, aren't afraid to tell me if a pair of pants make my butt look big or when I am wrong. The best of friends who are always there the second I need anything...especially if I need a hug.

I have a wonderful home that I am peaceful in - bright light, good energy, and safe.

I have a wonderful body. Not necessarily in the best of shape or size. However, even in its odd post- pregnancy state, a body that is remotely healthy.

I have a wonderful life. I am lucky to be a writer, to have a roof over my head, to have the ability to get food when I need it (and even buy organic), and everyone in it.

If we as a nation, or even just as people, we could focus more on what we have, instead of what we don't have. If we could focus more on what we can give, instead of what we want. If we could appreciate the good instead of finding the bad. Maybe - we would be much happier. Maybe, we would not be searching to fill some unknown void with materialism, controversy or greed.

I do not feel the need to focus on the negative, obtain more money, or partake in our trivial debates.
However, I do feel a need to do something about the world we live in. To contribute in a way that matters or makes a difference. To help someone, somewhere. I want to give back to the world in thanks for the priviledges I have or experience every day.

Maybe that is what is really important...

Others.