3 S.R. Johannes: WTPDF Writer seeking NFSW Agent

Thursday, November 20, 2008

WTPDF Writer seeking NFSW Agent

I am a Witty, talented, passionate, dedicated female writer seeking a nice, funny, smart, well-connected literary agent.

An agent who is seeking a YA suspense or a Tween paranormal. One has a witty, self-sufficient, smart, sarcastic, outdoorsy, electronic-savvy protagonist named Grace. The other, a deadly girl named Gabby.

I would like an agent who can happily commit to a long-term relationship.

One who:

  • loves to carry my manuscripts in his/her briefcase
  • refuses a kindle until my books are on it
  • love my characters, loves my humor, and absolutely adores me
  • believes with all their heart that my book will do great things
  • laughs in the face of economic times, knowing my book will prevail all recessions
  • calls me every day and showers me with compliments and multiple offers
  • has no edits for any of my subs knowing they are from pure perfection

My perfect agent is:

  • a relative or close friend of Oprah's
  • well-connected
  • funny
  • patient
  • nice
  • works 24/7
  • someone who loves my voice
  • prophetic
  • free or freeish
  • doesn't mind 15 emails from me a day
  • responds to every email with care and love
  • wants me as his/her only client so thy can focus 150% of their time on my book
  • laughs at my jokes
  • refers to me as "my #1 writer"
In return, I promise to:

  • write good...I mean well.
  • revise with a smile
  • offer 20% instead of standard 15% commission
  • only email once a day and turn off the "return receipt"
  • never prank call editors using your name
  • never use a dangling modifier, or a comma, splice
  • stay true to my character' arcs
  • mention you in my book acknowledgements...at least twice
  • give you a shout-out when I am on on Oprah
  • not complain too much about my book cover
  • not send you holiday cards with glitter
  • never use any cliche - to safe the life of me
  • to always show and not tell
Contact me in any way you wish if interested - twitter, myspace, facebook, email, phone, address, telepathy, bike messenger, telegram, in my dreams, when hell freezes over, sky-writing, cookie message, letter, television plea,

Shouldn't be too hard to find, right?


Katie Anderson said...

you're funny! Ditto :-)

Sherrie Petersen said...

That's hilarious! It is the perfect relationship we writers all seek...

Carrie Harris said...

Only email once a day and turn off the return receipt? What a novel concept... my agent will thank you for this post.


Anonymous said...

Your list cracked me up. I'm newly agented and I'm very excited about it. totally terrified too, but what's new.

Anonymous said...

I don't know where to comment about the links you post but I have to say that Lee Wind's blog was a riot. That headline cracked me up: "Do All Drag Queens Look Alike to Straight People?" You've got such cool blogger friends...

Unknown said...

Ha, ha, ha- really funny- my perfect agent- close personal friend of Oprahs.

She has the magic touch man. Not fair.